Come on barbie, lets go party.

Since my last blog there was a great night in Soho at G.A.Y and G.A.Y late.

Late is definitly my biggest guilty pleasure. Monday to Thursday is £1.60 a drink and the music is fabulously cheesy. Its not quite a bar and not quite a club. Apparently they can be strict about letting girls in (although I've never had a problem). I went to Soho with Andrew, Andy and Lee and we met up with Joel, Sarah, Michael and Jon. We started in G-A-Y the got a bike taxi to late (I was wearing ridiculously high yet fabulous shoes). We got in late and danced to camp pop and drank cheap vodka. I got chatted up by two hot straights and kissed the hottest man...ever!I was told by various gays that they would marry me if they were straight - The night was a sucsess :)

Then there was princess Laurens birthday weekend and the theme was barbie. The house was made into a pink palace and everyone was told to come as a barbie, ken or action man. I decided to go as "Bollywood Barbie" and this ment purchasing a sari from Bury park and having my make up done at MAC (standard). The make up artists who work at MAC counters make your eyes and face look like a work of art. It is truly amazing. I think it takes a lot of talent and patience to perfect a face for makeup. I love the way they can make anyone look like a rockstar, superstar, or princess. Gemma (the MAC girl that I see the most) is an absolut perfectionist and my favorite artist. I treat myself at least once a month to a make over... It gives me a chance to try new colours and styles.

I also met up with a guy from plenty of fish which turned out to be a huge mistake. HUGE!

Last week was a great week at work. I got to work with Nick my electro brother from another mother and we got to hang out in Dortmund at the Chrismas markets, uncle Toms and Happy, Happy, Ding, Dong and even watched some festive movies. I then went to East Mids with the lovely Andy (one of my best of all best friends).

Im now on days off and I spent a day with Jonny at Euro Disney. We took the first flight out and the got the last flight back. The parades are beautiful especially the Christmas ones - it is a really magical time. At one stage we were walking along the main street and it started snowing which blew us away. It was amazing how they managed to have it snowing in the street, You would definitely be fooled into thinking it was real. it was truely beautiful, magical and enchanting. Euro disney at Christmas is my new favorite thing!

Honesty is a great policy. I am very honest in my blog... but I dont give everything away. Its one thing to be a truthful person but another to spill the beans on personal things that wont change my life.

I have a fantstic group of friends but there are very few of my friends that really know me. this doesnt mean that my friendships are false, its just that I only really allow a few people to really get to know me. I don't know why I do this... Some say Im emotionally retarded and some say that I just have alot of trust issues. But I am tired of only ever being half the person that I have the potential to be. I am very rarely my "authentic" self. I spend more time playing the role that people expect me to be...its tiring!

My pilgrimage is fast appraoching and it is starting to scare the life out of me. I really need to start planning it but I know if I think to much about it I will back out and get scared. Im a scardy cat when it comes to falling over and dying somewhere between France and Spain! I know something needs to change in my life but im not sure what... I feel like im on a treadmill and I need to walk a road that is going to lead me somewhere.

I was told that I am emotionally retarded and that Im cold when it comes to straight men.. this is true and I have alot of barriers up but this is to do with trust and confidence. There are so many people out there that want to flatter you, not because they like you but because of thier own insecurities. They are type of people that dont like to be alone; They fall in love quickly and promise you the world. These are the people that I will never trust. They are very good at making you think they care but Im starting to see through them.

Love can be magical but magic is just an illusion. The saddest thing in the world is loving someone that doesnt love you...I should know, Im the queen of unrequited love! I fall in love secretly with people that don't know how I feel. It is not real love and I don't obsess I just put people up on a pedistal let down my barriers with them (there isnt alot of people that I can really be myself with). This has happened to me twice and even though I know I will never have a relationship with them I love them deeply. I suppose I like how they make me feel and I like the fact that they are as fucked up as me.... Ive decided to stop fighting it and beating myself up over it and rellinquish all control... maybe it will help me bring down some of my emotional barriers.

My year started really bad and I said in my first blog that I would turn it around and make sure it was the best year ever. I have definitly sucessed and Ive done some amazing things and met some amazing people. Ive definitly lived for now and ejoyed every minuite of every day. We all have history and we all have a future but neither actually exist. I don't plan to much and I try not to dwell... All that matters is whats happening now. Memories are ghosts and my future is just a plan. When you spend all your time looking backwards and forwards its difficult to see whats right here. Alot of people think that my lifestyle is wrong and that I should slow down, grow up and plan for the future... I do avoid all grown up respinsibility but is that so wrong?