Friday, 30 July 2010

Depression Comes From Lack Of Expresssion

I haven't updated this for a while mainly because of all the judgemental small minded people that choose to read what they want to, add bits, twist it and use it against me. I then realised that I write this for ME because it helps ME! If you are one of the judgemental fuckwits then my advice to you is; STOP READING THIS AND GO FIST YOURSELVES!! This blog is my therapy, my online diary and to help other people that are going through a similar thing. Nothing more, nothing less.

Id rather lose a few people in my life and know that the ones that are there are genuine and will be there in the bad times as well as the good. I thought I was blessed with alot of good friends - it turns out I have less than I thought but I have more genuine people than I ever imagined so I guess its a good thing. I cant say its been the best year of my life, infact I've been to hell and back but things do happen for a reason and sometimes you have to go through the bad to truly appreciate the good. Ive learned alot of lessons and come out stronger and happier. I was off work for four months as I needed to see the company doctor and looking back the time off was a blessing. I have reevaluated my life, moved house, surrounded myself with amazing people and reconnected with alot of old friends. I was lucky enough to have Easter, may bank holidays and the world cup off work - every cloud has a silver lining!! Ive enjoyed the sunshine with quality people...Its all about the grass stains, daisy chains and Pimms and lemonade.

I doubt I'll ever know why Ive lost certain friendships - up until the day I went in hospital things were fine its not until I hit rock bottom that certain people decided to turn on me...I guess after 4 months if they cant have the decency to talk to me then it shows how fickle they are. It says more about them than it does about me as I will always give friendships 100% and I am fiercely loyal. If I have a problem I will always talk to the person involved - clearly we aren't all the same. There are a few people out there that will happily watch someone hit rock bottom and kick them when they are down. I wont lie, this cut like a knife and I felt like id been gut punched..I genuinely didn't think people could be so cruel. But I'm not the first and I'm not the last to tell a story like this that's why people say that you find out who your friends are when you really need them. The ones that show apathy are just as bad, sometimes sitting on the fence is good sometimes it fuels it and being apathetic is just plain pathetic.
Like attracts like and I only have to look around at my friends to realise that I'm a good person. There is no drama, no bitching, bullying or backstabbing. Fast Forward 3 years and I will still have the same friendships with a few extra that I have met along the way. I wonder how their friendships will be in 3 years time? I would have been there friend for they have lost more than I have. No one is perfect and I have flaws but at least I have the bollocks to pick myself up and try and make myself a better person. I would never intentionally hurt someone nore would I allow someone to be bullied and I will always stand up for someone that is being treated badly... I believe that random acts of kindness can change the world. I will however stand up for myself - I will not be walked over. I cant control what people say but I can control how I deal with it. I started by letting it eat me up then I realised that letting go of the negativity is healthier. Its easier to be bitter but I read an interesting quote that says 'Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die' So I decided to go from bitter to better.

I then realised that it was only a small minority that were being so vile. I was giving so much attention to a Small group of people when I was receiving so much kindness from outside that circle. The only reason Im writing about this is because it was a big deal at the time and depression comes from lack of expression. If I don't talk about it now and exercise the demons then it will come back and haunt me in years to come. It is amazing the things that you hear about yourself on galley FM (*Galley FM is cabin crew gossip) There is also a toxic troll outside of EJ that took great pleasure in telling me what people were saying about me while I was in hospital, not naming names but I'll call her 'single white female'. I just wish for my sake and the sake of the hundred other people that hate her that there was a telephone number we could use to evict the person from England big brother style - she is poison. She needs to learn some manners (obviously her mamma didn't teach her any!), actually she will probably read this (bcos she is single white female) and leave nasty feedback. She is pathetically predicable and predictably pathetic. The girl hasn't got her own identity so she has tried to take mine. This is her motivation for her vested interest in stirring up so much trouble. I have proof of this but quite frankly her lies will catch up with her and what goes around will come around. When I was at my lowest she told me stories that she knew would cut to the bone - but in a twist of fate she has done me the biggest favour because life is 100% better now that it has been in years. I'm not bothered how it pans out but I'm hoping someone lets me know when the karma police knock on her door.

Its a basic human right to have a supportive network around you in the bad times. Everyone deserve that not just people with mental illness. TBH the negative people are few and far between and the positive support/emails/texts/calls that I have received definitely out weigh the negative 'so called friends'. There have been tears, I cried a river then I built a bridge and now I'm over it. I'm surfing the wave of change, one door closes and another always opens. I'm still having fun without going wild. Talking BEHIND my back just proves that I'm one step ahead. I'm learning to be my 'authentic self' and I'm looking to the future. I know what I want from life and its exciting. It doesn't mean that Im not partying or socialising..Im just doing it in moderation. I was a fully paid up gold member of the binge drinking society and now I'm learning the art of moderation. Ive spent allot of time reflecting and Ive realised that Ive had an amazing life. Ive worked on a holiday camp, I spent seasons in Corfu and had a wild 6 months in Ibiza. My life has been a rollercoster of clubbing, holidays and house parties. Ive been in some amazing relationships and made some phenomenal friendships. Ive attended more parties than most people could imagine, Ive had wild nights on a millionaires boat and was lucky enough to live in Ibiza during the 'motel' years. Ive spent 5 years living the cabin crew lifestyle and that has allowed me to visit some amazing cities in Europe and ive met some great people. If I died tomorrow Id die happy knowing Ive lived a full life. Ive made alot of friends along the way and only a few enemies...but you cant know as many people as I do without meeting a few rotten apples. Ive started a new chapter in my life and Ive gone red for the occasion. New Janice, new hair (standard).

Coming to terms with bipolar is hard enough without people kicking you when you re down but its true - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have to live with the fact that this mental illness will never go away and I have to make some healthy life changes and take medication if I want to get better. TBH I would rather live on this emotional rollercaoster than to live an empty life. I would love to have a stress free life but that would mean that I would have to stop caring, lower my expectations and have no involvement in my friends problems and quite frankly...Janice living a boring life and not wanting to help people - well that just wouldn't be cricket. I would rather be the kind of person that wants to help conflict than sitting on the fence watching it. When people or life lets you down there is only one thing to do...pick yourself up and start over again. I was in a very dark place and if I can have my friends turn on me when in suicidal and survive - shame on them and well done me!!

Returning to work was hard. especially when its home to the people that seemed to find my life so interesting and decided to gossip and make up their own version of events. There were alot of stories about me going around and it was hard being told what was being said when I wasn't there to defend myself. Luckily most people have been amazing and have said things like 'you can tell more about a person by what they say about others rather than what people say about them'. The ones that are discussing my life are the ones that cant go a day without slagging someone off. Ive been to hell and back this year and I'll be fucked if I will let a small group of people bring me down to their level. I double dare the ring leader to push my buttons anymore than she already has...cos I WILL snap! Ive managed to resist the urge to leap in and defend myself because at the end of the day - people don't really care and it just fuels the gossip and while they are talking about me they aren't talking about someone else. Ive got nothing to be ashamed of so i will hold my head up high and stay quiet. Just a quick warning - I might be quiet but NEVER underestimate those that you scar!!

Bipolar is a serious mental illness and when you are down its more than a bad feeling that you cant 'get over'. Ive said it before and I'll say it again... YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT WITH YOUR MIND!! But I suppose you will never truly understand it until you've been through it. Apparently a depressed person can function when they are down, get dressed and do every day things like get up and do stuff..who knew? not me and not any of the millions of bipolar that are in their dark place and depressed people that are out there. its a legitimate mental illness but no matter how I explain it most people will NEVER understand it. oh well, Ive tried!

So what steps have I taken to help myself; Medication, moved house, I write, I have given my self some goals, I use twitter (its an amazing tool for keeping trck of my moods), I read various law of attraction books with helps me stay positive, Ive cut down on my party lifestyle and I also lucid dream. Medication is definitely the hardest thing to adapt to. If the illness doesn't get you , the medication will. I'm not going to lie - I sometimes feel worse on my meds. I feel boring (when really I just feel normal). I miss my highs! Manic highs are as addictive as any drug on the market - medication can make you feel passive and....Meh!! You feel like you are losing your identity and confidence. the side effects are vile especially the sickness, nightmares, weight gain and zombie feeling. its not dissmillar to being an addict - you crave your highs (even though you know its bad for you). This might sound crazy to a 'normal ' person but I reckon most medicated bipolars feel the same. I fell of the medication wagon and loved every second - until I crashed, burned and saw my bank balance! You're damned if you do and damned if you dont.

So what have I been up to? 3 weeks in Jamica came at exactly the right time. I was sensible for a majority of the holiday chosing babysittying duty and early nights over binge drinking and late night partying. I did however have a few nights where I let my hair down for some 'Ring of Fire' action, skinny dipping and beach parties. Gina and I headed to Montego Bays hip strip for an awesome night at the blue beat bar where we danced under the stars while over looking the ocean, in one of the most laidback, chilled out bars that I have ever been in. The inside decor was sophisticated and it had a fantastic vibe. Although I liked Montego bay I fell in love with the resort of Negril and would recommend it to anyone travelling to Jamaica. Seven Mile beach is beautiful with palm trees, aquamarine waters and reggae music. You do get hassled to buy ganja, harder drugs, beer and cigerettes but that happens anywhere that you go to in Jamaica. After the beach we headed to Ricks Cafe which is one of my all time favorite bars. By day people queued to jump and dive 35 feet into the sea below - I however did not after reading the sign that informed me that I could hurt my spine...or die! I did enjoy watching everyone else do it and secretly wished that I wasnt such a scardy cat! There is a cliffside pool and bar. Ive experiance some brilliant sunsets. Ive lived in Ibiza and had some fantastic nights at cafe del mar, Ive been to Santorini and that is regarded as the world's most beautiful and breathe taking sunset. Ive had some amazing nights at sunset beach in Peroulades Corfu (which is one of my all time favorite places) but this place defintly has it all. The sunset and atmosphere were beautiful. There was live raggea and quite frankly if you havent heard reggae in Jamaica then you havent heard reggae at all. The cocktails were lovely and the food was stunning! If you go to Jamaica - you HAVE to visit Ricks cafe. I also went on a party boat and climbed Dunns waterfalls. Im glad I went to the falls but I hated every second of it. My medication put me in a really bad frame of mind. I was tearful and had zero confidence - the dancing, free rum and red stripe on the way home managed to turn my mood around. My little sister Charlie got married and it was defintly the best day of the holiday. They got married on the beach to Jason Mrazs 'Im yours', we drank champagne and ended the evening in Pacha nighclub - Good times! Dr Coves beach is the best part of Montego Bay. You pay a small amount to get in but you get no hassle from vendors and drug dealers and the beach is perfect. Gina and I had issues with a ghost in our room. I dont think we had one night sleep without one of us waking the other...more often me shouting 'can you see that?'. I kid you not..I saw an actual ghost EVERY night! There were some truely bizarre things that happened - the RUI montego Bay is defintly haunted!!

Ive also had some fun days at thorpe park, Woburn Lido, day time soho sessions with Mr Monohan and Miss Ford, various BBQ's, paddling pool days, walks in the park, lots of family bonding time especially with my beautiful new nephew Ellison and ive even had a bouncy castle in the garden for the children. Ive had a few nights out mailnly in Hemel but Ive cut the binge drinking down and rediscovering my love of cinema. Nowadays my perfect night in invloves candle light, good music and good company. It might not sound rock and roll but life doesnt get any better than that!

Im heading to Madrid at the weekend which means that Im missing out on SMASHFEST2, Brighton Pride and Miss Fords girls night - but it does nean that I get to see RJ, Edu and hopefully Unai and Joseto. I couldnt be more excited...2 more sleeps to go!!