Sunday, 29 November 2009

Come on barbie, lets go party.

Since my last blog there was a great night in Soho at G.A.Y and G.A.Y late.

Late is definitly my biggest guilty pleasure. Monday to Thursday is £1.60 a drink and the music is fabulously cheesy. Its not quite a bar and not quite a club. Apparently they can be strict about letting girls in (although I've never had a problem). I went to Soho with Andrew, Andy and Lee and we met up with Joel, Sarah, Michael and Jon. We started in G-A-Y the got a bike taxi to late (I was wearing ridiculously high yet fabulous shoes). We got in late and danced to camp pop and drank cheap vodka. I got chatted up by two hot straights and kissed the hottest man...ever!I was told by various gays that they would marry me if they were straight - The night was a sucsess :)

Then there was princess Laurens birthday weekend and the theme was barbie. The house was made into a pink palace and everyone was told to come as a barbie, ken or action man. I decided to go as "Bollywood Barbie" and this ment purchasing a sari from Bury park and having my make up done at MAC (standard). The make up artists who work at MAC counters make your eyes and face look like a work of art. It is truly amazing. I think it takes a lot of talent and patience to perfect a face for makeup. I love the way they can make anyone look like a rockstar, superstar, or princess. Gemma (the MAC girl that I see the most) is an absolut perfectionist and my favorite artist. I treat myself at least once a month to a make over... It gives me a chance to try new colours and styles.

I also met up with a guy from plenty of fish which turned out to be a huge mistake. HUGE!

Last week was a great week at work. I got to work with Nick my electro brother from another mother and we got to hang out in Dortmund at the Chrismas markets, uncle Toms and Happy, Happy, Ding, Dong and even watched some festive movies. I then went to East Mids with the lovely Andy (one of my best of all best friends).

Im now on days off and I spent a day with Jonny at Euro Disney. We took the first flight out and the got the last flight back. The parades are beautiful especially the Christmas ones - it is a really magical time. At one stage we were walking along the main street and it started snowing which blew us away. It was amazing how they managed to have it snowing in the street, You would definitely be fooled into thinking it was real. it was truely beautiful, magical and enchanting. Euro disney at Christmas is my new favorite thing!

Honesty is a great policy. I am very honest in my blog... but I dont give everything away. Its one thing to be a truthful person but another to spill the beans on personal things that wont change my life.

I have a fantstic group of friends but there are very few of my friends that really know me. this doesnt mean that my friendships are false, its just that I only really allow a few people to really get to know me. I don't know why I do this... Some say Im emotionally retarded and some say that I just have alot of trust issues. But I am tired of only ever being half the person that I have the potential to be. I am very rarely my "authentic" self. I spend more time playing the role that people expect me to be...its tiring!

My pilgrimage is fast appraoching and it is starting to scare the life out of me. I really need to start planning it but I know if I think to much about it I will back out and get scared. Im a scardy cat when it comes to falling over and dying somewhere between France and Spain! I know something needs to change in my life but im not sure what... I feel like im on a treadmill and I need to walk a road that is going to lead me somewhere.

I was told that I am emotionally retarded and that Im cold when it comes to straight men.. this is true and I have alot of barriers up but this is to do with trust and confidence. There are so many people out there that want to flatter you, not because they like you but because of thier own insecurities. They are type of people that dont like to be alone; They fall in love quickly and promise you the world. These are the people that I will never trust. They are very good at making you think they care but Im starting to see through them.

Love can be magical but magic is just an illusion. The saddest thing in the world is loving someone that doesnt love you...I should know, Im the queen of unrequited love! I fall in love secretly with people that don't know how I feel. It is not real love and I don't obsess I just put people up on a pedistal let down my barriers with them (there isnt alot of people that I can really be myself with). This has happened to me twice and even though I know I will never have a relationship with them I love them deeply. I suppose I like how they make me feel and I like the fact that they are as fucked up as me.... Ive decided to stop fighting it and beating myself up over it and rellinquish all control... maybe it will help me bring down some of my emotional barriers.

My year started really bad and I said in my first blog that I would turn it around and make sure it was the best year ever. I have definitly sucessed and Ive done some amazing things and met some amazing people. Ive definitly lived for now and ejoyed every minuite of every day. We all have history and we all have a future but neither actually exist. I don't plan to much and I try not to dwell... All that matters is whats happening now. Memories are ghosts and my future is just a plan. When you spend all your time looking backwards and forwards its difficult to see whats right here. Alot of people think that my lifestyle is wrong and that I should slow down, grow up and plan for the future... I do avoid all grown up respinsibility but is that so wrong?

Sunday, 15 November 2009

Love and Hate What A Beautiful Combination

Ive always believed in fate. Ive always believed that love will just happen to me. Two people meet randomly and it just works. I Believe that you will just know when you meet "the one". You meet someone when you least expect it because life is random!

Ive been in love before and that is how it always happened. The first time wasn't real grown up love. But it was teenage love, first love "feels alot like love". I was 16 and in the sixth form and it was typical girl meets boy...goes to local nightclub..boy kisses girl..girl falls "in love" with boy...intense 1 maybe 2 year relationship..girl splits up with boy and they both hate each other for a while. I then went off and and worked abroad for three summers in Corfu and Ibiza and stayed away from commitment and boyfriends. I had flings and crushes but stayed single. I never split up with him because I hated him... I was just young and needed to experience life.

After my summer in Ibiza I met a guy. I thought it was love and I naively thought it would last forever. It lasted nearly 7 years and if I'm honest it was probably 4 years to long). I did love him and I'm sure he loved me but we certainly wasn't right for each other... we split up and got back together a few times. Couldn't live with him and couldn't live without him. I loved him as a person but there was never any real chemistry - I don't think I ever really realised how important chemistry was. He is now married and I really truly wish him all the best. He is a good guy with a kind soul. He hurt me, I hurt him... but he is one of the nicest people in the world. He just wasn't right for me and luckily he saw that and is now with his "one".

I then spent a year single - I genuinely love being single and the last thing I wanted was a new boyfriend. Then BANG! I bolted into a different kind of love. It was a whirlwind and intense relationship. I didn't consciously decided to fall in love with him... It was out of my control! I really thought he was my soul mate (my twin flame). I knew he wasn't perfect but I know that im not perfect. We was equally fucked up and just seemed to get each other and seemed to want the same things etc etc. I loved him intensely and now hate him with a real passion. There is a thin line between love and hate... I only hate two people and they are both people that have damaged me slightly as a person. that relationship lasted less than a year.

My point is relationships blossomed in the normality and simplicity of day to day life. You don't plan it - it just happens.

People keep telling me that I have to stop going to gay clubs and meet a nice hetro but Im not ready to do that! The gays have made me the person that I am today. I'm a straight girl that lives in a very gay world. I love my gays and my gays love me. Im not willing to turn my back on my life. I love my friends and I still enjoy going out! I know i wont meet my "soul mate" in Flame or Pinks but I also know that I wont meet him in Chicagos, Ethos or a local Weatherspoons (fact). Gays or No gays..they are not my kind of bars/clubs.

So where does my "soul mate" hang out? To be honest I'm really not sure. I kind of hope he lives in London or by the sea. Look wise I don't have a type (its all in the eyes!). He has to be emotionally strong. I want someone to look after me. I want to meet the one that will "fix" everything that's wrong and missing in my life. Someone that wants to go on holidays and someone that doesn't take himself or life to seriously. Im holding out for "the one" the one that sets my soul alight!

What is a soul mate? I love that way that Paulo Cohelo describes it in Brida;

In reincarnation we divide in two. our soul divides as do crystals, stars, cells plants....
The process of finding, is the process called "love".
We are responsible for encountering at least one in every carnation, the soul mate who is sure to cross our path. Even if its only for a couple of moments because those moments bring with them a love so intense that it justifies the rest of our days... But, we can also allow our soul mate to pass us by without accepting him or her...or even noticing! then we need another incarnation in order to find that soul mate, and because of our selfishness we will be condemned to the worst torture that humankind ever invented for itself... Loneliness :(

Paulo Coelho has always been my favorite author. His books often come into my life when most needed. He is also the reason that I'm planning my "Road to Santiago" pilgrimage.

This blog update is because I'm feeling a little bit romantic. I don't help my self and the odds of meeting someone really isn't in my favour. But I am OK and I stick with my belief that it WILL just happen.

Love is unpredictable. fact!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Sometimes Things Will Fall Apart In Order For Other Things To Fall Into Place.

I'm the kind of person that likes to stay up late, doesn't like to go to sleep, but hates getting up & likes to spend the doing nothing.

Apparently I have "Delayed sleep phase syndrome". DSPS.
Basically this means that I have a different body clock that is out of sync with everyone else’s. There is no known cause of DSPS. It is a disorder of the body's timing system. I have difficulty falling asleep and difficulty waking up. Ive always had this but never know why or what it is. Originally it was diagnosed as insomnia ands was given sleeping tablets. Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome is similar to insomnia in so far as it is not allowing me to sleep at night even if I feel fatigued and ready for sleep. However, unlike insomnia, DSPS will often result in falling asleep later than planned, but at roughly the same time at night (for me its 4 or 5)Therefore, I'm likely to sleep at 5AM even if I go to bed at 11PM or 1PM. Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome is a disorder that does exactly what it says on the tin…it delays your sleep. Its really frustrating and difficult for people to understand. Ive suffered with this for years but now I have a name for it I hope that I will be able to cure it!

In my last blog I wrote about being "grown up" but Ive realised that the world is full of people that think that being sensible means that you have to be restrained, authoritative, responsible, cautious and disciplined...This is complete bullshit! Life is for living and when I'm old and on my rocking chair looking back at my life...what will count? Will it really matter how grown up Ive been or will the fun and memories matter more?

Belfast was alot of fun! Michael booked tickets for Pam Ann at the Grand Opera house. Pam Ann is a comedienne who basically appeals to two groups of people; Cabin crew and gay men. The show is a mix of bitchy one-liners,observations and cheeky banter and is centred on the creation of a spoof air hostess Pam Ann and we are the passengers on her flight. She slates everyone and no airline is safe! Easyjet are an easy target but observations are so accurate! I loved the jokes about speedy boarding! She knows her stuff!! There was not a hint of political correctness anywhere on board this flight and this high camp humour is definitely not for kids (or the easily offended). Admittedly her material has travelled around the world more than a couple of times in the past few years but it still works... No matter how many times you hear the "Hot steaming Coffee" and "touch the galley" jokes. She is sometimes a one trick pony but I bloody love her!

After the show (which went on at least an extra half hour) we headed to a couple of bars then on to Rain. Rain on a Monday is a gay friendly night called "rainbow". We spent most of the night upstairs dancing! I thought it was a fantastic club, with fantastic people and great music! It closed at 3 which is reasonable for a Monday and then we headed to back to our lush apartments on Lisbon Road. We decided to make a few days of it and we booked the apartments for 2 nights... Belfast is an amazing city although Tuesday nights are very much catered for students. Tuesday day time everyone was suffering after over indulging the night before. We decided to head to the Apartment (lovely cocktail bar in the city) for lunch. We had cocktails and food and discussed Sex and the city, Men and various other girlie subjects. I then went for my second MAC appointment of the trip before heading home to get ready for Tuesday sessions.

For the second night a few people dropped out last minute so we had no option but to keep on one apartment. This meant we had 6 instead of 4...annoying but we made the most of it and had alot of fun. We had a few cheeky getting ready drinks and one way of describing our night would be; we went to three bars and a club and got in early hours but yet another way of describing the night would be that we only made it into one of the bars and didn't even get a drink in the club. We spent more money on taxi's and every door man said "Its a really young crowd and I'm not sure its what your looking for" We couldn't have felt any older but we did laugh and try to make the most of it. I have never felt old before on a night out but I can honestly say that I will never attend another Tuesday Belfast Student night!

Back at work tomorrow and I'm in East Mids for a couple of days. I havent worked out of east mids before but Ive heard its a nice base and very friendly. The hotel looks nice which means swim/sauna then room service. I have my recurrent exams soon so I will probably get an early night and try to study! I hate my exams.. they make me feel physically sick!

This year has gone so quickly. It's going be Christmas soon! How scary is that?! 2009 has been a fantastic year and I have done so many fun things. Ive read back on my previous posts and its made me appreciate how much fun I've actually had. Hyde parks winter wonderland is being set up which means Christmas is definitely on its way! I'm not the biggest Fan of Christmas day but I love the build up. I can't wait to wrap up warm, go Christmas shopping, visit some European Christmas Markets, drink hot wine and go ice skating! I was hoping to spend Christmas in Singapore or Thailand but due to an expensive dentist trip I think that is well and truly out of the window. I'm hoping for a Dortmund trip over the Christmas period as I love the Christmas markets. Last year I went to Prague and the previous year Budapest... European Christmas markets really do give you a festive feeling! If you have never been to one I really do recommend it...and if you can't get to a European city head to Hyde park for the Christmas wonderland!! I literally cant wait for the Christmas Wonderland!

My house mate has gone home to Norfolk for a few days and had a car accident on the way home. He sounds OK (shaken up but OK) but his car (Linda) sounds like a write off. I am just so pleased that he is OK! It sucks that his car is a mess but you can replace a car... You could never replace Harry!
I have a real fear of car accidents and my heart sank when Andrew read me the message.... It could have been so much worse, infaact he sounds very lucky to have come out of it ok! I'm just so glad Harry is safe and well!

This time last year I split up with my ex. I can't believe its been a year! It seems like a million years ago. Sometimes things will fall apart in order for other things to fall into place!

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Terminal Boredom

Most people at 30 have kids, they are married and lead responsible lives. They live in family homes that they own, they make actual meals from stratch and have houseplants, nice cars and savings... This could not be any more opposite from me! Boredem seems to scare the life out me. Id rather be alone than to be bored...this is something that I really have to sort out if I ever want to be a real grown up!
I just can't imagine meeting anyone, settling down and being a real grown up. Deep down I want this one day but I still have so much that I want to do!! I can't look after myself let alone look after a kid or family... Im a messed up kid trapped in this 30 year old body!

Im 30 and do not own a house, Im not married and have no day will come...right??? Wrong!
Not everyone meets the "one" not everyone has kids and not everyone lives happily ever after! Thats not me being pessimistic its fact! How many people get maried and stay happily married? How many people have kids and enjoy every second of every minuite of every day? Do you need all these things to make your life complete? Im not desperate to settle down but I suppose I miss having someone...

I joined a dating site and I seriously can not explain how many freaks there are out there! Where are all the normal 30 year old they exist? Im no expert but I actually dont believe that the one for me is out there!

I have no savings, no kids and no house plants but I do have fun. The problem is..any decent men out there want to meet a sensible girl. Someone that will one day be a good wife and mother... the kind of men that don't want that arent the type of guy that I want - do you see the pattern?? Who wants a 30 year old fag hag, party girl. Could I be a good wife or mother?

Alot of people appear to have the oppisit problem.... Bored and lonely and dont feel like they are living from thier heart but thier head. Debt. Bills. Work. TV.... they moan about thier kids, moan about thier husbands and are lucky if they go on one holiday a year. Im not saying that everyone that is married is misurable but Im saying that meeting your soul mate is very rare and it certainly doesnt happen to everyone!
Aparently you dont get everything, right? Wrong!
According to various "law of attraction books" we can have everything we want in life..its all about positive thinking - This is great right? Wrong!
knowing what you want is alot harder than you would think .. I am a walking conradiction!!!

Being single doesnt scare me but being old (not just 30 but old) and alone really does scare me! Dont get me wrong, Id never be with someone for the sake of not being alone... feeling "alone" in a relatrionship is possibly the lonliest thing in the world! Ive had my fair share of groan-worthy relationships and I figure its better to be single and happy than stuck in a rut with a dud.

October has been alot of fun. We have had some fun nights out and have spent alot of time with my nephew..this is something that ALWAYS makes me happy. We've been to the cinema and feed the animals at the local farm (alot more fun than you might think). Halloween was alot of fun..this year I rocked the corpse bride outfit and had alot of fun buying and making up the costume! I went to three house parties and two clubs over halloween. Watford was a great night for Amy's leaving/bday night and I had a fabulous nightstop with Jonny and Katie (we found the best club with the fittest men). Lee's birthday was fun (although I missed out on the club as I was babysitting my number one boy). Next week Im off to Belfast for a few days and I am really hoping that i get some sun at somepoint in November...tenerife anyone???

One of my best friends has left my life... I suppose Im still grieving for him. he hasnt died nor have we fallen out. He has mearly met a girl, fallen in love and forgotten all about me.
The thing is...he was someone that I text EVERYDAY and the only person that I tell EVRYTHING to. When he first met her i knew instantly that this girl was the one for him and I am genuinly happy for him. He deserves to be happy and I really think that she is his "one". But I miss having his texts and daily updates... I miss my therapy and his advice. I miss having him make me laugh and I miss having someone to take the piss out of. He has been there everyday for at least three years and I miss him deeply. I refuse to text him and message him cos I figure this will probably annoy his girlfriend. I understand this... I wouldnt want my bf (if i had one) texting a random girl everyday. I understand this and don't blame him for it.... But I so miss him. Infact i think Ive grieved more for this friendshp than I have for any exboyfriend! I really hope she is the one... He is my best friend, the person that understands me better than anyone and the person that truely deserve to be happy!

A few months back I half heartlidly joined a dating site...plenty of fish. I set up a profile and sat back waiting for people to message me. I got plenty of messages but none that made me think..."wow, I really have to meet up with this guy". My main problem is that I believe that when you meet someone it will just work... after 3 or 4 messages I get bored. It doesnt help that since putting on weight and having a horrible ex that put down my looks all the time.. I have very little confidence. On the outside I come across as confident but deep down I have zero in either myself or men. But basically none of this matters when you meet the right person. When you first meet the chemistry is just there, conversations last for hours and feel like just a few minutes, you just click cannot find anything wrong with the other person, there is no awkward shyness. You just know....that the sex is going to be great! When two people are on the same page....You just know it. How the fuck can you find that out on a dating website? There have been plenty of guys that I have chatted to on MSN that seem cool but there has only been one that I have (genuinly) liked. This lasted a week! I didnt even meet up with him!
Can you meet the one online? I very much doubt it. I'll try and keep an open mind and I havent closed my account even if they are honest and send a recent picture of themselves, you both might not feel the same chemistry when you meet up in real life as you had talking online.

I should be on earlies today but im off sick with awful toothache. I am £350 poorer after a trip to the dentist which i remember absolutly nothing about as I was sedated. My mouth hurts, I can't work and I have a million things going around my head. I hate not working, I hate having to much time to think and I especially hate trashy tv...although I am currently engrossed with dating in the dark (I blame the mediaction).

Growing old is inevitable ... Growing up is optional!

Monday, 5 October 2009

I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind.

I havent updated for a while mainly because life has been hectic. On one hand its been one of the most amzing summers ever (the only summer that can compare is 1998) but what goes up has to come down and after spending the last 16 hours in my bedroom I have decided to try and write and get out of this little grump bubble. Im in a very dark place at the moment. Lots of memories churning round. I hate this feeling but I know it will pass soon....

August and September have been really busy and Ive done lots of fun things. August started with Michaels Belfast birthday bonanza. We got the early flight to Belfast, rented some stunning apartments and got totally wrecked in some of Michaels local bars and clubs...fantstic trip with fantastic people.

I then went back to work for 6 days before heading to V festival. I went to the Stafford Weston one(the lucky leg where Oasis preformed) with Farrah and various people from my home town Hemel. Looking back on it now V festival is a total blur but I did have an amazing time and Im looking forward to V festival 2010! We camped in gold, managed to piss off the people around us, danced to some wicked music, met some great people and saw what could be Oasis's last gig?! We started Friday – a day before the bands – the festival offer the chance for settling, drinking and loving to begin.... But it was never going to be that simple! What a mission! We walked for hours and I mean hours trying to find our fellow hemelites in the dark with all our bags/beer and supplies. We finally arrived and my tent was broken (Im not joking) so we basically found a tent that was half put up and tried to get some sleep...I can honestly say that I have never been so cold in my whole life! Luckily the rest of the weekend got better although I didnt get to see half the bands that I wanted and I got sunstroke - good times :) Farrah met a top guy who is ginger and in the para's. Watching him have his nipple pierced by a badge then ripped out during Oasis actually made me sick in my mouth but bloody hillarious.

I then went back to work for a few days before heading to Manchester for bank holiday weekend and Manchester's GAYPRIDE! Utter carnage!
I went up with Jez and met up with Tim, James, Richard and the lovely Hus. Tim booked some gorgeous apartments near Canal Street and we partyed for two days. The rain was a pain so a majority of our time was spent dancing in Cruz 101 where I got to catch up with the lovely David Rodwell and his BA friends. I made the mistake of eating dirty burgers which gave me some serious food poising on the way home...not good! But a fabulous weekend with fabulous people.

I then went back to work for a few days before heading to Euro Disney for Harry and Jonnys birthdays....I LOVE EURO DISNEY! FACT!
I had never been before but I totally fell in love with the place. Its completly enchanting and magical. I even eneded up buying a yearly pass so I can go back when ever I want! The first ride we went on was The Crush Coaster followed by the Tower of Terror...The detail that goes into the rides completly blew me away and I can't wait to take my nephew there at Christams!

I then went back to work for a few days before heading to Alicante with my Mum to visit my aunt Ev with some of my mums mates. It gave me the opportunity to catch up with my friend Zander and get some spanish sunshine. The urbanisation is very quite but does have a bar... it always ends up quite messy!!
Our next days off we decided to get everyone together in MK - Satur-GAY. We did our usual night in the campanile and danced til 5am. We hadnt all got together in MK for a long long time. Fantastic night as always.
Inbetween all this there have been days out in london, lots of nights out in Flame, day time pub sessions in Brookes, a trip to the spiritualist...and ive even got into the X Factor (No shame in that).

As I said earlier I am in my dark place at the moment. I don't know why or whats making me feel sad. When I get like this I hide myself away for a few days and sleep. Im horrible company so avoid all adult chit chat and wait for the dark mist to lift. I went to bed for 16 hours...obviously I know thats no healthy and I wish I wasnt like that. I am happy 95 per cent of the time. I keep my self busy and thats probably my problem. The min I slow down I everything hits and instead of dealing with things or thinking my head churns and I sleep.
I have a really bad relationship with sleep. I either dont sleep at all OR I sleep for hours. The other problem I have is not talking about my issues. Evendently I have no problem with put myself out there on line and writing it down but never sit down and talk about my stuff.
Sometimes I feel like im alone but not lonely. Other times I feel like Im not alone but utterly lonely... I know that makes no sense but thats how I feel. I cry randomly, feel alone, and get pissed off easily. I dont know what it is, I have no idea what's causing it. its pretty frustrating. I go to bed pissed off, I wake up pissed off, and I try to think as little as possible to keep my self manageable. I hate been awake in the daytime and I want to sleep and never wake up. there is nothing wrong with my life infact I have a good life. but im miserable all the same. As i said before..Im ok 95 per cent of the time, i just get these slumps every now and then.

Everyone's at work so Im having a duvet evening with the Hills, curry and blog. Writting is a good way of releasing my anger but I think I need to do something physical.. I really need to hit the gym! Apparently depressed people have the best grasp on reality... I dont actually think Im depressed, I just think i slow down and recognize reality (relaity sucks). Im a rollercaoseter ride of emotions today. But I know that this time next week I 'll feel alot better. FACT :)