Friday, 17 December 2010
Wow - Its been 4 months since I updated. I guess that means life is good.
Am I doing better? Yes I am. Accepting that I have Bipolar is half the battle but its a never ending battle and I'm on a never ending mission trying to recognise signs and symptoms so I don't go into another episode. There are three options; deny, fight or accept. Id love to say that Ive fully accepted it, I sill try and fight it but I'm getting there.
Which is me? Is it the impulsive, fun, chaotic, crazy girl or is it the tired, withdrawn, lethargic, lonely one? Mania is intoxicating...Ive said it before, its like a drug. Medication stops it and it has a million side effects. To be honest I cant imagine being better. The thrills and the crashes have always been there, Im not sure I can imagine day-to-day normality. What would occupy my thoughts?
Moving to my home town was a good move. Ive slowed my life down. Ive made alot of healthy lifestyle changes. I was partying hard now Im trying to channel my wild child energy into fitness and exercise. I have exchanged my meds for an exercise class called Zumba. Ive jumped on the zumba craze and I'm doing a least 5 classes a week. The results are impressive. I'm losing weight, it burns major calories, its a mood lifter and body toner.
So here I am with my new found purpose then BAM! I find myself working, socialising, drinking and partying. I have definly slowed it down (right down) but when I drink..I DRINK! I know its bad for me so why do I do it? It makes me feel good, is a temporary high. But why don't I learn from my past mistakes? I go out and I drink heavily...I always hate myself the next morning but I love he temporary confidence that it gives me. Its one thing being young and slightly off he wall but then you get older and suddenly I fear becoming the old crazy lady. Most women hit thirty and hear the tick-tock of their biological clock - not me. I always presumed Id have kids, Im good with kids. Im not good at many things but Im a bloody good auntie. I love my nephews and niece more than life itself but im in no hurry to have kids of my own. Infact the idea scares me. Id love to meet someone and fall in love. I dont wan to date for the sake of dating..I want to meet my soul mate and have fun. Ive met my fair share of toxic men...where are all the good ones hiding? I just want to be respected, supported and understood.. is that to much to ask? Maybe its me... deep down Im a damaged girl that has to many barriers, I like excitement and danger and go for the toxic ones.
Ive been to see my psychiatrist today and they are mainly focusing on my eating habits. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I like the binge. I enjoy the planning, the buying and the eating...until I take my final bite. Then I feel sick and hate myself. The first taste is ah-mazing after he second taste I no longer taste the food or even look at it. I just need to eat as much as I can as fast as I can. I stop when I cant eat anymore. Sometimes Im sick but mainly I lie there and hate myself. Im not bulimic (obviously...bulimics don't have an ass the size of mine) Its not about controlling my weight...Im just obsessed with food. In the new year I will be using CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy )to help with my food issues and my bipolar. I don't have much to say about CBT at the moment but I will write more about it when I know more about it.
I dont hold grudges and I hate to dwell on negative things. I have a large group of supportive friends but there are a couple of people that I cant seem to forgive. When I was ill I was honest and upfront and I tried to keep my dignity which was hard. But certain people tried to take away the dignity that I had left by making up lies about my illness and that is unforgivable. Another persons dignity is worthless to anyone except the person it belongs to. Its really difficult to forgive certain situations...HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TRY AND TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME? Maybe I should forget about it and move on? NO FUCKING WAY!! A persons dignity is priceless and taking it away can damage a person and hurt them to the core. I value myself and respect myself. Ill forgive anyone anything. I forgive, forget and never mentiton it again. But there are two people that I need closure with. I WILL HAVE THAT CLOSURE!!
Am I capable of being happy? I hope so and I think Im doing well. Im very aware that the mask of sanity is starting to slip. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the world and I just want to hide. I hate the mood crashes and I hate the overwhelming feeling of dread and inadequacy. I have alot of friends yet I feel alone and feel that I can relate to no one. I can now recognise it. I can actually feel myself starting to slip. I can still function but everything feels heavy. I have an overwhelming desire to sleep and isolate myself. I hate it when real life intrudes..the phone rings..I ignore it. I don't leave my room and I ignore the outside world. My life has a tendency to fall apart when Im awake so I stay in bed...But now Im starting to realise that its the other way around and my life falls apart when I stay in bed. Its like a light switch has gone off in my head and reality is starting to click into gear. I have been feeling really emotional and irritated recently but I recognise it and focus on exercise.
Ive had alot of fun nights out over the last 4 months. I dont even know where to start. Ive been going to gay clubs less and spending time with my girl friends in my local town. Im kind of looking forward to seeing the back off this year. Its been an emotional roller coaster. I never ever want to go through another year like it but things do happen for a reason and I have a feeling that 2011 will be a good year. Ive been plodding through life waiting to stumble across something ah-mazing that will change my life. I have 2 choices - go back to sleep and dream or get up and chase my dreams.
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain