Monday, 23 August 2010

Deep down I hate myself but halfway down Im pretty egotistical

Ive been through tough times and I can put up with a pretty impressive amount of stress before I'm pushed over the edge - But I am being stretched and I am in danger of snapping at certain people. Im trying to keep quiet and because you don't win arguments but shouting the loudest we win by being wise , by standing back, thinking carefully and choosing our words. I always prefer compromise to conflict but for the first time in a long time I am not willing to meet halfway. It is my right and I WILL stand up for myself. Everyone has a breaking point! Never underestimate those that are scarred! If this means making a few enemies then good! As Winston Churchill once said "That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life".

But how do I know if its them or if its me? No one ever thinks they are wrong and there are always two sides to every story. This blog has given me the chance to talk to many people that have and are suffering with mental health issues. Many of the people cant outwardly discuss things because of the stigma that goes with it but one friend who is good at reading people and situations gave me a good tip; if I get annoyed by one person it's them, if it's two people in a day then it's probably me!

My weight is really starting to get me down. When did carrying a bit of weight become such a crime? Most girls (and alot of guys) that I know have, have had or have a borderline eating disorder. Im talking anorexia, bulimia or binge eating. My early 20's I was painfully skinny and now I am overweight - I don't seem to be able to get the balance right! I may not be slim but I always had a bucket load of confidence and a big smile. I wouldn't say I was happy with my weight but I didn't obsess but now my relationship with food has gone from bad to worse.
Eating disorders are common among people with bipolar disorder and researchers believe that bipolar disorder patients find eating to be a coping mechanism for their illness. According to studies, about of 25.5% of bipolar disorder patients have some kind of eating disorder. The most common eating disorders associated with bipolar disorder are binge eating disorder (BED) and Bulimia Nervosa. I am an emotional eater _ I eat my feelings! I commit carbacide and then spend the rest of the day self loathing and hating myself! Ive now joined fat fighters (weight watchers) and Im determined to get to my ideal weight and shape.

Looking over my life so far, I've created and achieved nothing!! Its hard to describe myself because on the outside I'm always a happy person, but I'm also quietly depressed most of the time. I have a lot of intense emotions but often feel nothing at all. I wish I could escape myself. I hate everything about me. I wish I could be more like everyone else... yet I probably come across as confident.
I have very unstable relationships, I go from loving to hating to needing.
I get very angry for little things but other times I am the exact opposite. I can be very charming and loving...Then I get scared that people will see the real me (bipolar janice) so I guess I hide away and avoid close relationships. Ive been hurt by love and friendships but Im sure Ive hurt alot of people - I'm a good friend but having a relationship with me must be tough! I am writing this and Im starting to see the real me and I wont lie - I don't like it!

The worst relationship I have is with myself! I'm sure there are alot of people that are reading this and thinking that I blame alot of things on my illness. That isn't the case. I don't blame anyone but myself. I might write about my illness but I am not a victim.
For me self hatred comes easy. I’m fat, can not seem to do anything right, I never finish what I start but I don't blame anyone else for this - I know its my fault but the problem is; I have come to the point where I don’t know where I begin and where my borderline personality ends. I'm a mess hiding behind a happy face. I want to change, I just dont know how. Deep down I know im not a bad person - Im actually a nice peron and would do anything for anyone. Ha! See what I mean, deep down I hate myself but halfway down I'm pretty egotistical!

The thing I hate the most about being diagnosed bipolar is that I feel like I am always under scrutiny. The moment that I show any emotion its blamed on the bipolar and Im asked if I'm taking my meds or if I need to see my Dr. This infuriates me!Sometimes I will get angry, sometimes I will get sad. I am bipolar but I also have normal emotions and ups and downs just like anyone else. Its OK to express emotion without being told to see my GP. To be honest Im actually quite well adjusted - at least I know my faults and Im trying to help myself! I might be moody, I might find it hard to concentrate and I might be reckless but I also have alot of positive traits including empathy, realism, and resilience. I treat people the way I want to be treated and will do anything in my power to help a friend in need. Im generous and have a massive heart. Im not perfect and dont always get things right but quite frankly - if you cant handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best.

Since being back in Hemel Hempstead I have had one manic phase which I didn't recognise as a problem until it was to late. During a manic phase I feel happy and have lots of plans and ideas. the only real sign that something is wrong is my bank balance and the "racing thoughts".
Racing thoughts are a mixture of music, snatches of conversation, my own voice or other voices repeating a phrase or sentences again and again without hearing the words, or even rhythms of pressure without any "sound" in the heart beats fast and I get an overwhelming fear. Ive had this since I was a kid and luckily it doesn't happen often. It never happens when I'm with only happens when im alone. I know it wont last long and I just ignore it and wait for the sensation to pass. problem is, when I recover from an episode of mania I regret many of the things that I did when I was "high" (manic high)

Its difficult to to ignore a recurring concern and its impossible to refuse to experience a negative emotion. However, I am trying to make a massive effort to balance it out by thinking happy / constructive thoughts. For a pessimist I'm very optimistic. I believe in the Law of attraction but I'm really bad for dwelling on negative things. If you expect things to go bad and they often will. I'm very optimistic on the outside but I am a secret pessimist.

I want to end this blog on a happy note.
I had such a fabulous time! I stayed with RJ and Ed and during the trip I had a chance to catch up with Unai, Joseto and Irena.
RJ and Ed live in Baharas which is near the airport and a short metro ride from the city centre. I spent the daytime eating tapas and drinking calimochos then RJ and I had a fabulous night in Chueca (the gay district). The men in Madrid are insanely beautiful and the bars and clubs in Chueca are fabulous! We spent most of the night dancing in a club called Delirio. It was full of hot men and had a chilled bar upstairs playing Air, Morcheeba and Mazzy Star. Downstairs was loud, camp with beautiful go-go dancers. The night scene is very, very late. We didn't even head out til midnight which suits me as I hate going out early. The following day RJ and I were feeling a little bit ropey so we decided to see Madrid via the hop on- hop off tourist bus. Madrid was a very hot 36 degrees so we sat on the open top bus, checked out hot men and got off at sol and headed to starbucks. I had an amazing weekend and I cant wait to go back and visit the boys.

I'm not sure what lies ahead and I'm accepting the fact that my life had to slow down. Sooner or later the party had to end. I'm not sure that I'm ever going to have a stable relationship or have a family but that is doesn't mean that I can carry on partying and making unhealthy decisions. I'm no longer the life and soul of the party...but how many of my party friends were real friends anyway?

Ive also had two fabulous famous faces on my flights this week. Firstly the legend that is Bob Wilson. He was a genuinly lovely man who took the time to discuss Arsenal, goal keepeers and any other questions that we threw at him. The second was Brandon Block on of my favorite DJs of the 90's. Ive met him before in Ibiza and he remembered me - this made my day! We discussed his new bar and the "good old days" in the manumission motel. To me Brandom Block is an absolute legend and was one of my guilty pleasure crushes so yes... I was very impressed that one of my 90's heros remembered me!

Ive been doing alot of reminising lately and I really do need to find the time to meet up with some old friends - especially Vickie and Lucy. I share so many memories with these girls and even after all these years I think they probably "get me" more than most.

When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up! I'll leave it there. My bed calls...I answer the call.

Good night :)