Thursday, 28 June 2012

You can't be old and wise if you was never young and crazy

Its been a LONG time since I updated. Infact its been a year and a half so I'll have a quick recap on 2011; Last year was what me and my friend Nick called "The summer of love". Nick was my best mate and we had alot of fun and made alot of memories. Nick was not my boyfriend but we had a very intense friendship which caused as many tears as it did happy times. To cut a very long story short Nick is and always be one of my best friends. I'll always be there for him...ALWAYS! Friends come and friends go but the ones you truely care about are always in your heart (even when they dont deserve it). Im not going to say anything negative about him but I guess there wil always be unresolved issues. I have alot of friends but there are few people that I let get close so when friendships fail I become haunted by failed friendships. We had a fantastic year and everything we said we wamnted to do...we did. There was the Isle of Wight festival, Global Gathering, V festival, KOL at Hyde Park, Rod Stewart at Hyde park, a holiday to Norfolk and lots of days in the sun. I will never regret being Nicks friend but an intense friendship between two flawed people is never going to end well. I have also met some amazing people through Nick and I have alot of great memories from 2011. We are still in contact but nowadays we are more like strangers that no each other very well. 2011 was also about my therapy. Do I think it helped? Absolutely! It gives a diffrent perspective and this can be useful. I have alot of good friends but I am not good at letting people help me. I never have been. My therapy started at CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and it ended up as Interpersonal Behaviour Therapy. Im not magically cured but it really has helped and even the action of taking action helps! Its the first step to getting unstuck. You sit in a chair and you talk and anyone who knows me knows that I can talk and boy do I talk! Talk therapy helps you understand and master your problems. The therapist doesnt give you the answers to your problems but will educate you. They advise you to establish routine, learn to identify symptoms, they advise you to sleep and avoid alcohol. its difficut because you have to make rules and stick to them and im not always good with rules.This is because of my inner adolecent and my immaturity. I want to grow up, i really do but I get bored. Most people with bipolar have a secondary illness and my issue is with food. I still dont feel comftable talking about this but this is what my therapist spent alot of time focusing on. Im not going into details of thier diognosis but Ill tell you this... I honestly believe food is more addictive than cocaine. This is actually a fact! The brain reacts to food in the same way that it does to drugs. In terms of what it does to your neurons and neurotransmitter it could be considered worse than drugs and alohol. But with drugs and alcohol you seek help and and employ a policy of abstinence but with food its diffrent. You cant give up eating! its the most sociably accepted drug in the world. You cant do a shot of vodka and you wouldnt take a line of cocaine but you can binge on chocolate and carbs without anyone giving you a second look. It fine for people that have a heathly relationship with food but some of us arent that lucky. So whats new with me? Not alot. Im still living solo in Hemel Hempstead and Im still livng the orange dream but there have been changes. Ive slowed down my life alot in the last year or so. I think Im ready to fall in love. Ive tried internet dating but Im not sure its for me. I belive in chemistry over compatibilty and im not sure you can find that on a dating site. It works for alot of people but I dont have time to go on lots of dates (I have a busy life) and I had the awkardness of the first date. It always feeks like a job interview with vodka based drinks. What am I looking for? I want someone I can have fun with. I want to take lots of holidays, go to festivals, go on adventures. I want someone that will look after me. Not finantially but someone that makes me feel emotionally secure. I wasnt someone that I can do nice things for. I basically want a best mate with amazing sex. I want to find someone that will make my life a more colourful place. Ive been spending alot of time with my nieces and nephews. I LOVE being an auntie, its the best job in the whole world. In general kids have a natural happiness which makes being with them a massive pleasure. They are free from the mental turmoil that us adults suffer from. There is no guilt, anxiety, dissatisfaction with thier lives. They smile and are amazed by all kinds of mundane things that we take for granted. 2012 has been a good year. Less festiavls and more holidays. New year / January I went to Sitges which is near Barcelona (one of my favorite places). Febuary I went to the Pyrenees with one of my best friends and her children. we stayed with her family in a beautiful house in the middle of nowhere which the most amazing views, We had a day trip to Lourdes and say some beautiful french towns. March was my mums hen weekend in Portugal. We stayed in the algarve and managed to spend the whole weekend getting very drunk for free. All the bars and clubs gave us free drinks...amazing! April was my birthday month and I didnt go away but my nephew Joe stayed with me for a while and we had lots of fun over Easter and had some great day trips. May was my Mum and Rons wedding in Santorini, Greece. Santorini is one of the most beautiful islands you could ever visit and was the perfect place for the wedding. They married at santos winery with the most beathtaking views looking over the Aegean. I went for just over two weeks and it was my second trip to the wont be my last. June I didnt go away but June I went to the stone roses and last weekend I went to Sitges pride. Life is good. I have alot to look forwad to but there is definitly something missing.