Tuesday, 18 January 2011

The Perfect Storm For Destructive Behaviour

For the first time in my life I feel like I'm starting to get somewhere with this illness. I'm starting to see patterns and how things are linked. I'm taking it one issue at a time. I know I'm making progress and I'm starting to feel in control. I'm proud of myself. people go to their graves not getting help but I'm doing something about it - and I'm winning.

I'm not confident. People think I am, I guess that's why I binge. Without it I'm boring...and no one likes 'boring Janice'. For a long time Ive felt the need to play the role of this mad crazy person. Without it what am I? I know is destructive but without it Im nothing. BUT, I'm starting to believe in myself. Im an intelligent girl and have alot going for me. there is more to be than the wild child act. I just need to remember that.

Deep down alot of my issues are about not wanting to be in control. This affects so many things - relationships, sex, driving. I feel like a child cleverly disguised as a grown up. My name is Janice Trustram and under the mask of sanity is a lost girl that suffers from bipolar, has a diagnosed eating disorder and has binge drinking issues. its a toxic triangle of destructive behaviour.

Sleep is becoming a problem again, my dysfunctional body clock is playing up. luckily I have some time of work but sleep deprivation does funny things to your brain chemistry. Sometimes it sends me into depression and sometimes it sends me into hypomania. LUCKILY, Im poor at the moment..Its stopping me from taking off and doing something crazy, its stopping me from shopping and its stopping me from partying. I'm not fully fledged manic at the moment but I'm definitely in a manic phase. Regognition of mania is one thing doing something about it is another thing. I'm trying to use my energy in a positive way. Zumba, powerplates, body attack and swimming (i guess you have to know me to realise how bizarre this is. The only exersize Ive done as an adult has been dancing in a club). But typical "All or nothing Janice' over did it, got shin splints and was told to rest. I'm now feeling a little lost and not sure where to channel my energy and I'm worried that ill do something stupid.

I actually feel stable at the moment but I know that I am in a hypomanic phase. Im exercising, not sleeping and there is the hyposexualty behaviour. Hypersexuality is one of the symptoms that tells me im starting a 'manic' phase. Im open about most things on my blog but my sex life isn't an appropriate discussion but I am starting to question my desires, my morals and my ability to love.

I have been back to see my psychiatrist and we are dealing with the food issues. Ive always been a fussy eater. As a child I never really liked food and would only eat dinner because I had to. I wouldnt eat anything home cooked or healthy, the only thing I liked would be chicken nuggets, fish fingers of chips. TBH as an adult I don't eat dinner every night and rarely eat healthy. But I binge eat and obsess about food. Its becoming a serious issue. We have discussed diffrent options including 'fluoxetine' but they are worried that this will send me into fully fledged mania. So we have decided that CBT is the way forward. I dont personally believe in medication. Ive been there, tried that and it doesnt suit me. It works for some people but not me. I hate the way meds make me feel. The worst thing that happened to me was being in a pool in Jamaica and my nephew nearly drowning. I was a complete zombie and I lost count of many times he cuddled me during that holiday and asked me why i didn't save him. This not only scared me but broke my heart. That little man means the world to me. He will probably forget it but I never will. The illness is bad but the medication is worse. I LIKE the manic feeling and my depressive stage hasn't got to the suicidal point. Yes I think about death, I spend time fantasising about death but its not anything that I have wanted to carry out. I just want to sleep or take Valium...anything that stops me thinking about anything.

Deep down I crave attention and what to feel accepted. I suppose I want to find someone that will look after me. I never realised that i wanted this until BAM! I found it. It was unexpected but I found someone that ticked every box . I remember lying in bed and for the first time I felt calm, I felt happy and nothing in the whole world mattered. I later realised that this man wasnt the person that i thought he was and it shock me to my core and he broke me.
how did I deal with it? the way i deal with everything else that's bad. I put my finger firmly on the self destruct button and go out and have fun. Its pure escapism. I recognise this but I've always been like this and probably always will be like this. I carry on until I crash. In the end i couldn't have been more of a train wreck if I was lying on my side with smoke billowing from my body. I don't regret it - you have to hit rock bottom before you can get better.

I want to be happy I just don't know what will make me happy. I do know that I'm making progress and I'm proud of myself.

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