Monday, 5 October 2009
I'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind.
I havent updated for a while mainly because life has been hectic. On one hand its been one of the most amzing summers ever (the only summer that can compare is 1998) but what goes up has to come down and after spending the last 16 hours in my bedroom I have decided to try and write and get out of this little grump bubble. Im in a very dark place at the moment. Lots of memories churning round. I hate this feeling but I know it will pass soon....
August and September have been really busy and Ive done lots of fun things. August started with Michaels Belfast birthday bonanza. We got the early flight to Belfast, rented some stunning apartments and got totally wrecked in some of Michaels local bars and clubs...fantstic trip with fantastic people.
I then went back to work for 6 days before heading to V festival. I went to the Stafford Weston one(the lucky leg where Oasis preformed) with Farrah and various people from my home town Hemel. Looking back on it now V festival is a total blur but I did have an amazing time and Im looking forward to V festival 2010! We camped in gold, managed to piss off the people around us, danced to some wicked music, met some great people and saw what could be Oasis's last gig?! We started Friday – a day before the bands – the festival offer the chance for settling, drinking and loving to begin.... But it was never going to be that simple! What a mission! We walked for hours and I mean hours trying to find our fellow hemelites in the dark with all our bags/beer and supplies. We finally arrived and my tent was broken (Im not joking) so we basically found a tent that was half put up and tried to get some sleep...I can honestly say that I have never been so cold in my whole life! Luckily the rest of the weekend got better although I didnt get to see half the bands that I wanted and I got sunstroke - good times :) Farrah met a top guy who is ginger and in the para's. Watching him have his nipple pierced by a badge then ripped out during Oasis actually made me sick in my mouth but bloody hillarious.
I then went back to work for a few days before heading to Manchester for bank holiday weekend and Manchester's GAYPRIDE! Utter carnage!
I went up with Jez and met up with Tim, James, Richard and the lovely Hus. Tim booked some gorgeous apartments near Canal Street and we partyed for two days. The rain was a pain so a majority of our time was spent dancing in Cruz 101 where I got to catch up with the lovely David Rodwell and his BA friends. I made the mistake of eating dirty burgers which gave me some serious food poising on the way home...not good! But a fabulous weekend with fabulous people.
I then went back to work for a few days before heading to Euro Disney for Harry and Jonnys birthdays....I LOVE EURO DISNEY! FACT!
I had never been before but I totally fell in love with the place. Its completly enchanting and magical. I even eneded up buying a yearly pass so I can go back when ever I want! The first ride we went on was The Crush Coaster followed by the Tower of Terror...The detail that goes into the rides completly blew me away and I can't wait to take my nephew there at Christams!
I then went back to work for a few days before heading to Alicante with my Mum to visit my aunt Ev with some of my mums mates. It gave me the opportunity to catch up with my friend Zander and get some spanish sunshine. The urbanisation is very quite but does have a bar... it always ends up quite messy!!
Our next days off we decided to get everyone together in MK - Satur-GAY. We did our usual night in the campanile and danced til 5am. We hadnt all got together in MK for a long long time. Fantastic night as always.
Inbetween all this there have been days out in london, lots of nights out in Flame, day time pub sessions in Brookes, a trip to the spiritualist...and ive even got into the X Factor (No shame in that).
As I said earlier I am in my dark place at the moment. I don't know why or whats making me feel sad. When I get like this I hide myself away for a few days and sleep. Im horrible company so avoid all adult chit chat and wait for the dark mist to lift. I went to bed for 16 hours...obviously I know thats no healthy and I wish I wasnt like that. I am happy 95 per cent of the time. I keep my self busy and thats probably my problem. The min I slow down I everything hits and instead of dealing with things or thinking my head churns and I sleep.
I have a really bad relationship with sleep. I either dont sleep at all OR I sleep for hours. The other problem I have is not talking about my issues. Evendently I have no problem with put myself out there on line and writing it down but never sit down and talk about my stuff.
Sometimes I feel like im alone but not lonely. Other times I feel like Im not alone but utterly lonely... I know that makes no sense but thats how I feel. I cry randomly, feel alone, and get pissed off easily. I dont know what it is, I have no idea what's causing it. its pretty frustrating. I go to bed pissed off, I wake up pissed off, and I try to think as little as possible to keep my self manageable. I hate been awake in the daytime and I want to sleep and never wake up. there is nothing wrong with my life infact I have a good life. but im miserable all the same. As i said before..Im ok 95 per cent of the time, i just get these slumps every now and then.
Everyone's at work so Im having a duvet evening with the Hills, curry and blog. Writting is a good way of releasing my anger but I think I need to do something physical.. I really need to hit the gym! Apparently depressed people have the best grasp on reality... I dont actually think Im depressed, I just think i slow down and recognize reality (relaity sucks). Im a rollercaoseter ride of emotions today. But I know that this time next week I 'll feel alot better. FACT :)