Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Terminal Boredom

Most people at 30 have kids, they are married and lead responsible lives. They live in family homes that they own, they make actual meals from stratch and have houseplants, nice cars and savings... This could not be any more opposite from me! Boredem seems to scare the life out me. Id rather be alone than to be bored...this is something that I really have to sort out if I ever want to be a real grown up!
I just can't imagine meeting anyone, settling down and being a real grown up. Deep down I want this one day but I still have so much that I want to do!! I can't look after myself let alone look after a kid or family... Im a messed up kid trapped in this 30 year old body!

Im 30 and do not own a house, Im not married and have no day will come...right??? Wrong!
Not everyone meets the "one" not everyone has kids and not everyone lives happily ever after! Thats not me being pessimistic its fact! How many people get maried and stay happily married? How many people have kids and enjoy every second of every minuite of every day? Do you need all these things to make your life complete? Im not desperate to settle down but I suppose I miss having someone...

I joined a dating site and I seriously can not explain how many freaks there are out there! Where are all the normal 30 year old they exist? Im no expert but I actually dont believe that the one for me is out there!

I have no savings, no kids and no house plants but I do have fun. The problem is..any decent men out there want to meet a sensible girl. Someone that will one day be a good wife and mother... the kind of men that don't want that arent the type of guy that I want - do you see the pattern?? Who wants a 30 year old fag hag, party girl. Could I be a good wife or mother?

Alot of people appear to have the oppisit problem.... Bored and lonely and dont feel like they are living from thier heart but thier head. Debt. Bills. Work. TV.... they moan about thier kids, moan about thier husbands and are lucky if they go on one holiday a year. Im not saying that everyone that is married is misurable but Im saying that meeting your soul mate is very rare and it certainly doesnt happen to everyone!
Aparently you dont get everything, right? Wrong!
According to various "law of attraction books" we can have everything we want in life..its all about positive thinking - This is great right? Wrong!
knowing what you want is alot harder than you would think .. I am a walking conradiction!!!

Being single doesnt scare me but being old (not just 30 but old) and alone really does scare me! Dont get me wrong, Id never be with someone for the sake of not being alone... feeling "alone" in a relatrionship is possibly the lonliest thing in the world! Ive had my fair share of groan-worthy relationships and I figure its better to be single and happy than stuck in a rut with a dud.

October has been alot of fun. We have had some fun nights out and have spent alot of time with my nephew..this is something that ALWAYS makes me happy. We've been to the cinema and feed the animals at the local farm (alot more fun than you might think). Halloween was alot of fun..this year I rocked the corpse bride outfit and had alot of fun buying and making up the costume! I went to three house parties and two clubs over halloween. Watford was a great night for Amy's leaving/bday night and I had a fabulous nightstop with Jonny and Katie (we found the best club with the fittest men). Lee's birthday was fun (although I missed out on the club as I was babysitting my number one boy). Next week Im off to Belfast for a few days and I am really hoping that i get some sun at somepoint in November...tenerife anyone???

One of my best friends has left my life... I suppose Im still grieving for him. he hasnt died nor have we fallen out. He has mearly met a girl, fallen in love and forgotten all about me.
The thing is...he was someone that I text EVERYDAY and the only person that I tell EVRYTHING to. When he first met her i knew instantly that this girl was the one for him and I am genuinly happy for him. He deserves to be happy and I really think that she is his "one". But I miss having his texts and daily updates... I miss my therapy and his advice. I miss having him make me laugh and I miss having someone to take the piss out of. He has been there everyday for at least three years and I miss him deeply. I refuse to text him and message him cos I figure this will probably annoy his girlfriend. I understand this... I wouldnt want my bf (if i had one) texting a random girl everyday. I understand this and don't blame him for it.... But I so miss him. Infact i think Ive grieved more for this friendshp than I have for any exboyfriend! I really hope she is the one... He is my best friend, the person that understands me better than anyone and the person that truely deserve to be happy!

A few months back I half heartlidly joined a dating site...plenty of fish. I set up a profile and sat back waiting for people to message me. I got plenty of messages but none that made me think..."wow, I really have to meet up with this guy". My main problem is that I believe that when you meet someone it will just work... after 3 or 4 messages I get bored. It doesnt help that since putting on weight and having a horrible ex that put down my looks all the time.. I have very little confidence. On the outside I come across as confident but deep down I have zero in either myself or men. But basically none of this matters when you meet the right person. When you first meet the chemistry is just there, conversations last for hours and feel like just a few minutes, you just click cannot find anything wrong with the other person, there is no awkward shyness. You just know....that the sex is going to be great! When two people are on the same page....You just know it. How the fuck can you find that out on a dating website? There have been plenty of guys that I have chatted to on MSN that seem cool but there has only been one that I have (genuinly) liked. This lasted a week! I didnt even meet up with him!
Can you meet the one online? I very much doubt it. I'll try and keep an open mind and I havent closed my account even if they are honest and send a recent picture of themselves, you both might not feel the same chemistry when you meet up in real life as you had talking online.

I should be on earlies today but im off sick with awful toothache. I am £350 poorer after a trip to the dentist which i remember absolutly nothing about as I was sedated. My mouth hurts, I can't work and I have a million things going around my head. I hate not working, I hate having to much time to think and I especially hate trashy tv...although I am currently engrossed with dating in the dark (I blame the mediaction).

Growing old is inevitable ... Growing up is optional!


  1. babe, I;ve said before and I'll say it again, love the blog! You should write a book, not only do you speak out loud what every one else is feeling but you have the balls to put yourself and your emotions out there. Ultimate respect basmin x x x

  2. Thankyou. It does me good to write things down and it gives me a chance to look back on all the fun stuff. I find it theraputic :)

    I cant spell and the grammer is awful but hey...people dont have to read it!

    Thanks for the comment. It means alot x