Friday, 19 February 2010

Dude, your perspective on life sucks's 5 in the morning and I can not sleep which wouldn't be too bad if didn't have to be up for work in 4 hours. ugh. I hate when I can't sleep.

This blog was started to help me through my bi polar lows and after finding myself crying in bed for no real reason for the past 3 hours I figure writing is the way forward.

Ive been back to see my dr this weeek and again I declined the drugs. But Im starting to think that maybe its the only way forward. I cant cope feeling like this and there is not one person in my life that seems to remotly understand how I feel. Thats not a dig at can someone understand it if they have never been through it?

This low has hit me particuly hard...normally I get through my lows knowing that the high will come soon but ive started to realise that my highs are just as damaging as my lows. When Im manic I make bad decisions, Im impulsive, I spend to much money, I party to hard. When something upsets me when Im manic I rage..and I mean RAGE! My sleep is erratic and most of the time I have difficulty falling asleep. When the high leaves I cant get out of bed... I sleep for days - litterally! Most of the time I manage it effectivly... I know my triggers and can normally pull my self out of the dark hole...This cycle is proving more difficult.

My eating patterns are getting out of hand...think bullimia without the sickness...then being filled with self loathing.
Everyone gets ups and downs... but the intensity of these feelings are tenfold. The racing thoughts litterally make you feel like your going mad! racing thoughts arent just "thinking fast" they are thoughts that wont go away. they wont be quiet...they get louder and louder and louder...its a noise that you cant explain that repeats over and over. (If that makes me sound mad then just imagine how that feels?!)

Bi polar affects my concentration. Sometimes I cant think straight or finish a train of thought. I get distracted easily and have a short attention span. My friends mock this and I laugh with them but its not nice and there is nothing I can do about it. Im sure people think im being ignorant or rude...Im not, Its just the bi polar.

Basically, Im writing this for my own good. To try and make sense of the shit thats going around my head. I will probably regret writing this as it will make people judge me...but fuck it. The ones that judge you the most are the ones that know you the least.

Im not using my bipoar as an excuse but it is an explanation.

This doesnt mean that things that I have said or done over the last few months are a result of my bi polar. I stand by most of what I have said (even if I didnt go about it the right way initially). I treat people the way I want to be treated. If that doesnt work..I treat them the way they treat me - bare that in mind if you dont like the way that I am with you.

1 comment:

  1. I remember you as a teenager and also your little sister Farrah. When you two raged at people you really did rage. God help anyone that annoyed you