Sunday, 15 November 2009

Love and Hate What A Beautiful Combination

Ive always believed in fate. Ive always believed that love will just happen to me. Two people meet randomly and it just works. I Believe that you will just know when you meet "the one". You meet someone when you least expect it because life is random!

Ive been in love before and that is how it always happened. The first time wasn't real grown up love. But it was teenage love, first love "feels alot like love". I was 16 and in the sixth form and it was typical girl meets boy...goes to local nightclub..boy kisses girl..girl falls "in love" with boy...intense 1 maybe 2 year relationship..girl splits up with boy and they both hate each other for a while. I then went off and and worked abroad for three summers in Corfu and Ibiza and stayed away from commitment and boyfriends. I had flings and crushes but stayed single. I never split up with him because I hated him... I was just young and needed to experience life.

After my summer in Ibiza I met a guy. I thought it was love and I naively thought it would last forever. It lasted nearly 7 years and if I'm honest it was probably 4 years to long). I did love him and I'm sure he loved me but we certainly wasn't right for each other... we split up and got back together a few times. Couldn't live with him and couldn't live without him. I loved him as a person but there was never any real chemistry - I don't think I ever really realised how important chemistry was. He is now married and I really truly wish him all the best. He is a good guy with a kind soul. He hurt me, I hurt him... but he is one of the nicest people in the world. He just wasn't right for me and luckily he saw that and is now with his "one".

I then spent a year single - I genuinely love being single and the last thing I wanted was a new boyfriend. Then BANG! I bolted into a different kind of love. It was a whirlwind and intense relationship. I didn't consciously decided to fall in love with him... It was out of my control! I really thought he was my soul mate (my twin flame). I knew he wasn't perfect but I know that im not perfect. We was equally fucked up and just seemed to get each other and seemed to want the same things etc etc. I loved him intensely and now hate him with a real passion. There is a thin line between love and hate... I only hate two people and they are both people that have damaged me slightly as a person. that relationship lasted less than a year.

My point is relationships blossomed in the normality and simplicity of day to day life. You don't plan it - it just happens.

People keep telling me that I have to stop going to gay clubs and meet a nice hetro but Im not ready to do that! The gays have made me the person that I am today. I'm a straight girl that lives in a very gay world. I love my gays and my gays love me. Im not willing to turn my back on my life. I love my friends and I still enjoy going out! I know i wont meet my "soul mate" in Flame or Pinks but I also know that I wont meet him in Chicagos, Ethos or a local Weatherspoons (fact). Gays or No gays..they are not my kind of bars/clubs.

So where does my "soul mate" hang out? To be honest I'm really not sure. I kind of hope he lives in London or by the sea. Look wise I don't have a type (its all in the eyes!). He has to be emotionally strong. I want someone to look after me. I want to meet the one that will "fix" everything that's wrong and missing in my life. Someone that wants to go on holidays and someone that doesn't take himself or life to seriously. Im holding out for "the one" the one that sets my soul alight!

What is a soul mate? I love that way that Paulo Cohelo describes it in Brida;

In reincarnation we divide in two. our soul divides as do crystals, stars, cells plants....
The process of finding, is the process called "love".
We are responsible for encountering at least one in every carnation, the soul mate who is sure to cross our path. Even if its only for a couple of moments because those moments bring with them a love so intense that it justifies the rest of our days... But, we can also allow our soul mate to pass us by without accepting him or her...or even noticing! then we need another incarnation in order to find that soul mate, and because of our selfishness we will be condemned to the worst torture that humankind ever invented for itself... Loneliness :(

Paulo Coelho has always been my favorite author. His books often come into my life when most needed. He is also the reason that I'm planning my "Road to Santiago" pilgrimage.

This blog update is because I'm feeling a little bit romantic. I don't help my self and the odds of meeting someone really isn't in my favour. But I am OK and I stick with my belief that it WILL just happen.

Love is unpredictable. fact!


  1. beautiful work janice. keep it up.

  2. Note to janice. Go to straight bars.

  3. i love you jan jan

  4. Im an emotionally retarded fag hag that will probably marry a gay. ive snogged more gays than i have straights..Ive probably kissed more gay men than the average gay!