Monday, 4 May 2009

Bi Polar: The full mental

I have been diagnosed as being BiPolar (affective mood disorder) the current name is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes. It explains alot about my sleeping and my random mood swings. It also explains the racing thoughts that have haunted me most of my life. Racing thoughts are difficult to explain racing thoughts are not just “thinking fast.” They are thoughts that just won’t be quiet; they can be in the background of other thoughts or take over your consciousness; they can gallop around your head like a carousel gone out of control. Its a horrible thing and something i’ve never been been able to explain and now I have a reason for it. As a child I found it really scary (as an adult its still scary) and its worse when you can’t find the words to explain it! My racing thoughts always sound the same and have always sounded the same..loud music(not a particular song just loud music type noise), snatches of conversation, my own voice or other voices repeating a phrase or sentences again and again but never hearing the words, or even rhythms of pressure. It never happens when I’m with soemone or at work it happens mainly when i’m in bed or in my room alone. I’ll probally regret writing this and probally asking from trouble.

Am I on the charming side of neurotic and ditsy or am I mad??

Bipolar gets alot of bad press due to the likes of Kerry Kuntona but there have been alot of important people that have used thier bipoar to achieve good things. Im hoping that writing a blog will help. If I am down, writing and getting all of the mess out of my brain really helps me. Writing does have a stabilizing aspect to does for me :)

So far the bankholiday has been alot of fun. I finished work Friday night and headed to Flame for Andrews birthday (walkaboutkiwis video is actually hillarious). Saturday was spent in the big H with Farrah, Joseph and Gina. The day time was spent toy shopping with my nephew and the evening was spent having dinner and Gina painted our nails then we watched scary movies... watching scary movies with Farrah is actually hillarious! Sunday I went to MK for catch up, drinks and fajits's with Dan and Marie. We stated off by drinking vast amounts of Pimms thenm headed to the hub for cocktails in the Livingroom (the cocktails are amazing). We then headed to Lloyds and Oceana for bingedrinking, dancing and "straight clubbing". I had alot of fun and think I need to put in request to move groups at work....a move to group 6 seems to make sense. I dont get to see my brother as much as I should and I absolutly adore Marie (they are such a fantastic couple). Today I was going to London to purchase the Pucci dress of my dreams but I cant handle oxford street with a hangover thats this severe. Jonny has said that we can go to Blackpool via Manchester tomorrow so we can hit Selfridges for dress shopping and MAC Makeover (as long as I get up early). I want to get BIG BLUE eyes... so exciting! Im really looking forward to Blackpool tomorrow night! I have never actually been to Blackpool before and there is a really good crowd of people going!

Jonny has been living with me for the past month but he has now found a home of his own. He is leaving number 14 but he is only going as far as number 10 yipee! Im really looking forward to the summer :)

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