Friday, 26 June 2009
I Wish I Lived By the Sea
I wish I Lived By the Sea, there is something calming yet frightening about the sea. It scares me that it is such a big open space that we know so little about. Yet at the same time, it is one of the most peaceful, beautiful things to watch. Even when there's a storm, there's something so majestic about the waves and the sounds it makes. This time last year I was with Alex and practically living in Whitstable. I was planning to move there on a permanant basis and leave easyjet and my whole life behind. I loved Alex and I loved Whitstable. I fell in love with Alex immediatly and I also fell in love with Whitstable. I no longer love Alex but I still love Whitstable.
Whitstable is a seaside town in northeast Kent, southeast England. Known as the "Pearl of Kent", Whitstable is famous for its oysters. My favorite fish and chips is in Kent and my favorite restuarant is also in Whitstable...Wheelers Oyster Bar! Im not a fan of oysters but it makes the most amazing seafood that you will ever taste! It's an intimate place, infact its like eating in someones front room - there isnt even a toilet! You have to book weeks, sometimes months ahead and you take your own wine but its truely the most amazing food that you will ever eat...I would recommend this place in a heartbeat!
I have had the most amazing year and I dont miss Alex in the slightest but I do miss Whistable. Its a beautiful place and I really hope I get to go back at some point either to live or visit. I wouldn't go now because i wouldnt want to run into Alex. I still hold alot of bitterness towards him. I only truely hate two people and he is one of them. Hate is such a powerful and negative emotion so i don't think or dwell on that person but he has damaged me slightly as a person and there are some scars that will never go away. I will never understand how someone that apparently loved you can be so vicious and hurtful. Also, I will never understand how bad people never see themselves as bad? They justify and excuse there behaviour.... no matter how nasty and vile they are. There is aways a reason and there is always someone else to blame.
I used to think I was a good judge of character. I am very intuitive and read between the lines. Im starting to realise that I need to be more cautious. My mum never liked him and my mum is normally spot on - I just wished she had told me sooner!
I went to my best friends wedding and met a guy there (he met me I don’t really remember him) but he told our mates that he really liked me and after two years of match making, a few facebook messages and encouragement from my friends I agreed to go on a date with him. Before the date I had already decided that I didn’t want to be with him and was not interested and tried to cancel the date. He arrived to pick me up and I was quite rude to him (trying to put him off) but when this didn’t work we went out.... and I had an amazing night. Alex was so easy to get on with and the perfect company. It wast snowing and I suppose I fell for him straight away. The following day we got up and went to stay at his at the seaside. I just felt comftable with him, he seemed to understand me and I fancied him alot. He has the same sense of humour and made me laugh. I was completly infactuated with him. I just loved being in his company....drinking, laughing and being silly. We seemed to have the same outlook and same hopes and aims for the future.
Then it stared to go wrong. I’m not going to write all the things that went wrong as thats not fair on him but whenever things went wrong there was always a reason and he would beg me not to finish it as things were going to get better. It was either his job, his parents his lack of job. I slhould have finished it a long time ago but I was completly in love no matter how bad it was it was worth it for the good times and always looked to the future. He asked me to move to his, give up my job and one day have kids...this was never my plan but I honestly believed he was the one and agreed.
He then lost his job and things became even more strained. He seemed to become more volatile, moody and depressed. He wasn’t treating me well and we seemed to be snapping at each other alot. He was starting to make me feel VERY bad about myself and I started to resent him. I tried to discuss this with him but everytime he would say that things would get better and that we normally get on so well and its just the other things that are going on in his life. We finally split up and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I cried for an hour and suddenly relaised that I was happier and it was for the best. I still cared deeply for him - i still thought he was my soul mate but not in a romantic way - I hoped we would stay friends. Then things went really wrong and the time when I need him nost as a friend he turned on me... I dont think I will ever forgive him for how badly he treated me! There was never a row or a fall out. Its so sad that a relationship can turn so sour. My mum had to phone him and tell him to leave me alone at one point because she could see I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown...she even lied to him for me. My mum is a great woman and I could see how much it broke her heart seeing how badly he treated me. I wouldnt treat my worst enemy the way he treated me. Of course he will never see that and will have justified his actions to himself a million times - I dont know how he sleeps at night. Shame on him and shame on his family and friends for letting him act like such a prick! The reality is this; He is commitment phobic, he wants what he can’t have, he tells people what they want to hear. I didn’t want him to start with so he set out to make me like him. He was charming and said all the things that I would wanted to hear...Basically the guy I feel in love with wasn't Alex, its the person that he thought I wanted! He wanted what he couldn’t have and prove that he could get it… well he did it! Do I regret being with him? No, because we did have some fantastic times. I spent a great year in Manchester and Whitstable. We had some great trips away and I even caught my first carp!
This blog has turned into a blog about Alex rather than a blog about the seaside so I will end it now... The one thing that i am sure about is this - Its not me, its HIM!